How to help a Grieving Friend

Prologue

I will start this piece of what I deem to be a memoir essay, with the disclaimer that it does not come from bitterness. I write this with love and peace, aiming to educate people on the ins and outs of grief. I understand that not everyone can know how to deal with this subject, and I would not have known either if I did not go through it myself. It is our job to be an example to others of compassion and forgiveness while acknowledging the truth. I hope I can put my English major to good use. I wrote this passionate 7000-word piece in less than two hours, so I think it deserves to see the light of day! Enjoy it as I share my heart.

The essay

Nothing saddens me like people who have a serious lack of empathy. Something that saddens me even more, is a willingness to completely ignore a situation that someone is going through whether you know how to handle it or not. Starting with these opening lines is something that I know might be harsh, but I do believe a lot of society is emotionally immature. Emotional maturity is not highly valued either, out in the cold, dark world. Most of us are taught to remain in the fight, flight, and survival mode. Wealth, success, fame, and romantic relationships, are far more valued. Earnestly, I tell you, this type of maturity is the key to good relationships, a better world, and a better, more compassionate, you. Many people brush over the importance of relationship skills like it’s some leftover breadcrumb on the lunch table. Some may argue that there are other issues out there that need attention too, however, I will only be addressing what has been revealed to me through my own experience. In this essay, I will be addressing grief, The Big Scary Emotional, and Tumultuous Giant. Everybody knows of its existence, but very few know how to face it- especially if it’s not you who is the one grieving.

Personally, I am still processing my own grief. My grief was the result of an unexpected death of a loved parent. On the other hand, please know that I am fully aware that grief comes from loss, you can lose different things in life and need to grieve over them. Many people don’t give themselves the grace to experience all those painful emotions. Emotions are incredibly scary for some odd reason. We don’t like feeling pain, sadness, discomfort, disappointment, or yearning. Even more than that, we don’t like acknowledging and giving grace to the pain others around us feel. We like to go about the path of least resistance in most things we do. Everything should be a “magic fix” and nothing should be “inconvenient”. Society should learn that we do not grow and bear good fruit without going through pain. If we do not go through pain, we cannot learn much. Please be aware, that grief is not something that moves in a straight line, with linear stages and steps. It's squiggly and messy, it rocks back and forth, it takes time, disappears, and then comes back full force when you least expect it. Grief is also completely different for each person which adds to why people view it as scary. What I would like for people to see is that emotional turmoil is not something to run away from, but rather to embrace, now that we know it isn’t supposed to conform to one set process.

Embracing emotions is something so foreign to people that it is alarming to me. When someone is emotional, they often feel guilty for feeling that negative emotion. They think they are ungrateful or weak. Adding to that, they also feel guilty when they see others in pain but don’t know how to act, so they run away. If you have a grieving friend, the worst thing you can do is “give them space”. Sometimes we use this phrase as a cover-up for “I don’t know what to do” or “I have no capacity for this”. “Giving space” may be a genuine and loving thought, but I want you to understand that it is the wrong way to think. Rather let them be the ones to tell you to leave them alone. We cannot decide the personal needs of others, based on our own subjective judgment- I believe that is inherently selfish. Grief is one of the worst types of pain and devastation you can feel. I once heard a quote that goes “Grief is love with no place to go”. This quote perfectly encapsulates the feeling in my personal opinion.

The main issue is that we think we are somehow responsible for changing their emotions or situation. I have even seen absurd patterns of thinking, for example, “I can’t fix their problem, so I can’t do anything for them at all”. I want to provide you with a news flash: the grieving person knows you cannot fix it, and they also don’t expect you to fix it. I would go as far to say that it is foolish to withdraw from your friend just because “you can’t do nothing to fix it”. We forget about the word “communication”. How are you supposed to know needs of a person if you do not ask them? Some people are gifted with natural emotional intelligence and are extremely sensitive to the needs of others. If you are not that person, you will have to do more work to get there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking “how can I help you today?” or “would you like me to listen to you talk?”.

If you personally don’t know how to respond to the person from an emotional standpoint, a simple phrase communicating how you feel about the situation is sufficient. Saying that you are “sorry” because you mean it is not a bad response. Communicating that you are “shocked” acknowledges the severity of the situation and makes them feel less lonely. Communicating you “cannot imagine going through this, but you are there for them with whatever they need” is important. They do not expect you to solve their problem, but as friends, we have a responsibility of integrity. Do some research on how other people handle emotional topics, ask other friends who have gone through similar things to give you advice. You do not have to be perfect in knowing how to handle these things, but you can be willing to learn and grow.

Another point I would like to put across is that you should never assume that “you have done enough”. I do not say this to make you feel like you should commit all your energy and resources to the griever, but being consistent in your support even long after the incident is vital. That incident most likely had a butterfly effect on their lives, in most cases months and years after, there may still be a lot of things your friend needs support in. Often times people expect others to just move on like nothing has changed and everything settles back to normal, but in reality, it never goes back to normal. How can it go back to the way things were when the very thing that made things the way it was, is lost forever?

Please also consider something else: grief is always about the grieving person, not our own personal curiosity about the terrible situation. Relationships are not about what you can get out of it, but rather what you can give. People often forget about the practical side of the support. Let us say someone has lost their husband. This person no longer has anyone to take care of specific tasks such as handyman work or financial management. What does one do when your tap starts leaking? How do you jump-start a car? I would encourage you to be willing to help in these ways if you have the ability to, and reach out often, because honestly speaking- grieving people often won’t ask. You may think “oh, my help won’t mean much”, but speaking from first-hand experience, it can bring a lot of relief and comfort to a stressful situation. Often times helping without asking is the answer. If you see they cannot talk to a bunch of people in their state, show the people away. Most likely they will have no capacity to cook for themselves- just show up with a meal.

In conclusion, we should remember not to turn a blind eye to our friends and what they are going through. Society places such importance on romantic relationships and how to care for them and nurture them. However, you cannot ignore that friendships need nurturing and care too. In fact, I believe that if you cannot nurture and be integral in a friendship, you have no business seeking romantic relationships. I have seen far too many times how death and loss estrange people from one another, for the simple fact that we do not understand the emotional landscape grief creates. Human beings are afraid of what they don't understand. We have to remember that the individual has lost a big part of their lives- they do not deserve to lose you as well.

Everyone wants to be supportive in the good times but, when life starts getting serious, some just run away and hide because it’s too “difficult to deal with”. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This my friends is the glue that keeps communities together and becomes an extremely fulfilling, crucial part of our lives. Do not forget the weary and the broken-hearted, for they too are deserving of love and support. There is enough neglect and abandonment in this world, let us not add to it.